Second Draft

Welcome to revising the Second Draft.

In The First Draft you learned the definition of revision plan.

Remember that a revision plan is simply a detailed outline of how you will revise parts of a previous essay you have written throughout the course of the semester. Establishing a clear direction for your paper is important because it allows you to create a functional thesis, develop body paragraphs and supporting evidence that serve the purpose you intend, and manage your analysis. Without a solid plan, it is impossible to prove that you developed a sound paper that responded to the essay prompt fully.

You should be able to use the essay prompt as a post-writing evaluation checklist against your finished paper. If your teacher wants you to write about two literary works and include at least two characters from each work as well as three examples, then you must use the prompt to check it against your paper when it is in its final form. In other words, your final paper should represent a reflection of the instruction.

Teaching this type of revision practice, where you ensure that the final paper (draft) is complete, is not a standard practice in many classrooms. English instructors and professors alike teach that the process of revising the academic essay involves proofreading grammar, editing the thesis, correcting cited sources, reviewing quotes, and changing any sentence that does not reflect the topic.

Rarely do we see instructors teach “applying margin comments” as an important tool for helping students revise their papers. We also do not see professors teaching what publishing industry professionals call “developmental editing,” which involves rearranging content to ensure it flows logically, rewriting sections for clarity, and ensuring that information as presented structurally is cohesive. It is restructuring content for clarity and effectiveness.

Therefore, developing a revision plan for the second draft is equally important because the second draft may have issues with argument. When revising for argument, the second draft is a labor-intensive process that requires attention to the introduction, thesis, topic sentences, supporting evidence, quotes, plot summary, transitions, and conclusion parts of your paper. In revising the second draft, you will be able to revise for ideas, quotes, transitions, plot summaries, plagiarism, and related composition concepts. In-depth evaluation of the second draft is necessary and explored in this lesson.

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

By the end of this lesson, composition students will be able to do the following:

Understand argument.

Outline a strategy for revising argument issues.

Revise for argument.

Keep these learning objectives in mind as you review the sample feedback comment on argument.

SAMPLE FEEDBACK COMMENT

2.18. Lacks a Clear Argument

Overview

The feedback comment “Lacks a Clear Argument” falls under the second draft process. You will often find this comment on an argument paper before submission of a final paper. Addressing argument issues early is important before submitting the final essay for the course. This is usually done with the argument paper in first-year composition. Professors usually base argument issues on the topic and highlight issues where you waver in the argument you present within the paper.

By the time you get to the final paper, which is usually 10 to 12 pages for a university course and 5 to 8 pages for a community college course, you will have practiced writing and developing arguments through different writing mediums. The goal is to ensure you know what you want to argue and what your argument is.

Without careful consideration to developing a clear argument, you will leave your reader with a generalized view of the topic.

Consider “Lacks a Clear Argument” as a feedback comment to help you hone your argument writing skills.

Learning Objectives

By the end of this lesson, students will be able to do the following:

Review your argument paper.
Outline areas of the argument that need repair.
Apply the instructor’s feedback.
Design a revision plan.

Tools You Will Need

Second writing draft

Instructor feedback

Quickly examine Table 4 before moving further with the explanation for this comment.

As an assignment, you will never be confronted with an argument that entails socks in and out of drawers, but when you write a paper that critiques an argument, you are essentially writing an argument as well. You create your argument with a claim, what you believe about the subject matter.

For an argument paper, your claim serves as the basis for your paper. When you present the claims of two different authors, one of the two needs to complement what you claim. Make certain never to write a paper where one of the authors is the base or foundation of your paper. In doing this, you favor one author over another. Thus, the argument you present in your paper becomes biased with personal opinions. It is more important to weigh the evidence versus tilt the balance scale.

Table 4: Socks and Drawers Comparison Table

Outline	John Quincy	James Jones
Claim	It is important to keep socks separate from other clothing in a separate drawer.	Socks need to be near the underwear in the same drawer, so they are easy to retrieve since both go on underneath the body.
Reason #1	Socks are easily contained when they are separate from other clothing.	Since I am always in a hurry in the morning to go to work, I need to be able to find the socks.
Reason #2	When my socks are in one place I don’t have to search for a match.	When my socks are in the same drawer as the underwear, I don’t have to search for a match.
Reason #3	I like organization. I like to categorize. I like everything in its place.	I like everything in one place.

With this table in mind, when you receive the written comment “Lacks a Clear Argument,” your professor highlights one or more of the following issues involved with the presentation of your argument.

Stance

When your paper lacks a clear argument, the professor is not clear where you stand on the subject. After you have finished reading an assigned article for your class, immediately before you sketch the different ways the author feels about the subject, outline your thoughts first. What do you think about socks in the drawers? Develop three reasons of your own regarding the issue. Your claims and reasons form the base of your paper, not the claims and reasons of the two authors you are discussing.

Claim

When your paper lacks a clear argument, the professor is not clear about what you are trying to prove. This inevitably goes back to your claim and stance.

Audience

When your paper lacks a clear argument, the professor is not clear about who your audience is.

In Table 4, the primary audience represents anybody who wears socks, but in the right column, James Jones works. He needs his socks in one place, so they are easy to find during the time he is getting dressed for work.

If the authors of each article do not specify exactly who the audience is, their examples can illustrate a specific group. You could focus on people who are early morning risers, or you could focus on certain people who are organized. You can provide an example of the difference between an organized person and a disorganized person. The point to make here is that as the writer it is your job to make the argument, to prove your claim. For you to prove your claim, you must specify a certain audience to which to cater.

Chronology

When your paper lacks a clear argument, the professor is not clear about the origin of the support you are using.

Where does the factual evidence originate? Who is saying what, in what context, at what time, and when? Pay attention to preposition words that signify present time and/or location. These include the following: “before,” “after,” “during,” “throughout,” and “at.” As you read the text, circle these prepositions. They are good indications of what happens chronologically.

Rhetoric

When your paper lacks a clear argument, the professor is not clear about your understanding of key words in the author’s work.

You must define the nature of the language expressed within each literary work. In other words, in Table 4 why does John Quincy use the word “separate” twice in his claim? Why does he use “categorize” to refer to the way in which he organizes his socks? This points to choice of words, or rhetoric. Ask yourself each time you read an article, an argument—since the author (of an argument) must persuade you on his or her view—why does the author choose “this” word over a simple one or another? What does “this” word mean? What impact does it have on the rest of the sentences within the paragraph?

Understanding the author’s choice of words will help you to understand the author’s argument and how to represent that information in your paper.

Analysis

When your paper lacks a clear argument, the professor is not clear about your understanding of engaging the reading, of examining the argument critically.

Typically, in writing about an argument, you are not supposed to pick a side; but you are supposed to develop a claim, some view that tells us, as the readers, what you think about the subject in general and specifically. It is ironic to suggest that you cannot pick a side but must develop a claim. However, we cannot disagree with the standard, the consensus on the nature of writing an argument.

The best method for engaging the reading, for examining the argument critically, and not being accused of picking a side, is to analyze the argument. Pick at it. Tear away its layers. Find out what is inside.

Similar to math, reduce the argument to its simplest form by getting to the crux of the author’s views. Most authors who write arguments do so from one of two perspectives: either

1) they want to inform you about the subject or

2) they want to persuade you about the subject, to do or not to do (or believe).

Treat an author’s argument in the same way as you treat a person you are interested in knowing or developing a longer relationship. For example, as a woman interested in a man, you attentively listen to all his jokes. You notice when he laughs at yours. You notice his smile. You notice how he calls you all the time. You are interested in him. Now what happens when you are not interested in the person? As a woman not interested in a certain type of man, you look for every flaw, every inconsistency, anything to give you a reason not to continue pursuing a relationship or even friendship with the person. In essence, for the one you are interested in, you notice all the good qualities. For the one you are not interested in, you notice every bad thing about the person, from head to toe.

Now apply this as a technique for analyzing a literary work. For the author’s article you are interested in, pick out all the wonderful qualities the author has to offer and provides to you. For the author’s article you are not interested in, the one whose view you disagree with, criticize everything, every word he or she offers from beginning to end.

Table 5 under 2.19. Lacks Chronology encompasses the major elements that must be present in any argument you develop. The table is not the only way to approach an argument, but it is novel in that it helps students understand that their ideas must serve as the foundation or basis of their papers. For example, students typically begin their papers with the ideas of the authors they are discussing, but they do not begin with their own viewpoints concerning what they think about the topic.

Therefore, it is important for students to develop the habit of thinking about a subject before using an author’s words, ideas, and perspectives as crutches. The purpose of Table 5 is to serve as a guide for students during the post-reading, pre-writing stages of their arguments, particularly when students first begin sketching an outline.

2.19. Lacks Chronology

Of all the comments “Lacks Chronology” offers the simplest tips for revising areas of your paper that need the characteristic of a timeline. While you are writing your paper, think about what happens first and what happens last. Very few literary works use a numbering and/or chronological system. You hardly ever see a fictional work use time-specific transitional words such as “first,” “second,” “next,” and/or “then.” Therefore, here are some quick tips.

1) For literary works that do not provide these types of wording, in your paper categorize the events of the story and the ideas into a hierarchy.

2) Estimate the connections between the author’s ideas.

3) The best way to know the chronology of events within an article is to circle prepositions such as “after” and “before.”

4) In your own papers, determine the importance of the information you want to present.

5) Prepare an outline of what you plan to do first.

Depending upon how your ideas connect to the author’s ideas, always make sure your reader knows “when” something happens. If something does not happen “after” something else, then you must rework your paper to develop its organization better.

Table 5: The Five C’s Checklist: Claim, Check, Contour, Communicate, Criticize

The Five C’s	Primary	Secondary
*Claim*	What is my claim? What do I believe? What do I think about the subject? Do I have any concerns?	What are the author’s claims? What are the assumptions? How does the author feel about the subject? What concerns does the author have?
*Check*	How do I want to support my claim with at least 3 reasons of my own about why I believe what I believe?	What are the author’s reasons for what he or she believes about the subject?
*Contour*	How do I want to structure the body paragraphs of my argument? Can the three 3 reasons function as separate body paragraphs?	Is there a clear match between my three (3) reasons and the reasons the author provides? Or is there a difference between one of my reasons and the author’s reasons?
*Communicate*	In what ways, by what method, do I want to show a specific reader the importance of my argument? Who is my reader? How do I want to help my reader throughout the process?	In what ways, by what method, does each author show a specific reader the importance of his or her argument? How does each author help the reader throughout the process of reading the argument? How does each author use language? Does the author write rhetorically?
*Criticize*	What method can I use to engage the reading? What method can I use to engage the reader in reading my argument?	Is each author persuasive in his or her method to persuade me about their beliefs on the subject? Or has the author not persuaded me?

Revising for chronology is always time-consuming if you did not get a good understanding first when reading the work. Taking the time to outline the events of a narrative and/or literary work will help you gain an advantage during the second draft revision process because you may not always have the time to review the chronology. Referring to your notes saves you time. Therefore, every part of the revision process is just as important as the writing processes. Keep this in mind.

2.30. Not Clearly Expressed

There are some people in the world who love to give presentations. These people tend to be very articulate. They pronounce every word, every syllable; and they enunciate difficult words. As they speak, they express each word clearly and distinctly. Sometimes a person from this group speaks so well that an observer can easily read the person’s lips and receive the information this way also.

With this example in mind, a writer who clearly expresses a point within a work is similar to a speaker of a presentation who is articulate in speech. A writer who irons out all the details, removing all wrinkles and anything that can provide a hindrance for the reader, is one who is articulate in written speech.

2.31. Provide Examples

Providing examples is another level within the analysis process. To move from mere generalization into the arena of exploring specific issues, you will need to add examples to elaborate further on a point you have made. Examples add more substance to your analysis.

By adding examples, your professor perceives that you can develop a topic sentence, incorporate quotes, and match your example to the two. On this level, you are learning how to synthesize information and how to distinguish between what does not fit and what does fit. Your examples must never be off the subject. They must always be relevant to the subject and to your topic.

DOWNLOAD

The following is the downloadable document for the sample feedback comment and the related comments. It is useful as a guide for revising the second draft.

2.18. Lacks a Clear Argument

“Lacks a Clear Argument” is a feedback comment appropriate for the second draft. Composition instructions expect students to revise for argument, which include both the student’s argument and the author’s argument(s). Download the document for flexibility.

The downloadable document also includes the following feedback comments to support the idea of argument development:

2.19. Lacks Chronology

2.30. Not Clearly Expressed

2.31. Provide Examples

These feedback comments are also specific to the second draft. Here is the document.

favors-writing-center-feedback-comment-2.18.-lacks-a-clear-argument-and-three-others-october-11-2021-pdf-1 Download

RELATED FEEDBACK COMMENTS

The following are useful as guides for revising the second draft. Use these feedback comments in conjunction with the other comments on this page.

2.14. Clarify

Take a dirty, see-through, with no special colorings or design, glass from your sink and fill it up with water. It does not matter if the water is cold or hot. Place the glass on a counter on your living room or kitchen table. Take a seat in a chair. Try to see anything in the house through the glass. Is what you see (i.e., the television or a person) clear? Now look around the house or your room. You can see clearly, right?

A paper filled with gaps, shakable evidence, and sloppy content represents a glass with dirty water and impurities.

A paper that is solid, organized, structurally sound, with credible and verifiable evidence represents a paper that is clear.

When your professor writes “Clarify” near a section, this comment means that he cannot see through to your ideas because of the jumbled writing and confusing words. All these issues with your paper represent a stumbling block, a hindrance to the process for the professor.

Clarify your ideas means clarify what you are trying to convey within your writing. Ask yourself this: What do I want to say exactly? Then just write what you think. During the revision part of your writing, you can format and restructure the sentence so that it fits formally into the academic essay.

See this feedback comment as a downloadable document under the next section.

2.33. Don’t Quote Without Context

Authors create their works not to be aesthetically pleasing or to arouse the senses in any way, but they do so from memory, experiences, and lessons learned.

No author creates a work of art without first struggling with an issue, enduring an issue, and overcoming an issue. Most of what you read, the author’s labor, comes from a place within an author that is sensitive. The author’s final product, the work itself, reflects his or her vulnerabilities, thoughts, emotions, feelings, attitudes, and perspectives as he or she sees the world. In addition, most of what an author writes are predicated on the surrounding environment in which he or she lives (and has lived).

Therefore, when you approach an author’s work you are not just approaching a name on the page or just a title. You are approaching a title that has suffered through many revisions. You are approaching a work that is the result of tireless effort, labor, doubt, many nights of crying, sickness, pain, family obligations; the influence of social standing, social classifications, race, being a man, being a woman; and the going back and forth mentally about “who” will be the main character, “what” will be the main character’s problem, to “whom” will the main character relate in the story, “why” will the main character do this and not this, “how” will the main character do this and not this,” and “in what way” and “for what reason” the main character will do this and not this.

All these elements represent the beginning of your task to understand an author’s work. On your list of things to do, you still need to figure out the year of composition, what time period the work falls under; who the author has befriended in his days of writing; if the author has any other works; what connection those works have to the one you are currently analyzing; and what motivated the author to sit down, discipline himself, and endure the task of writing. All of what you have just read is “context.”

Therefore, when you quote, be careful to know the context behind the quote you want to use. Apply these contexts within your paper, preferably near (before or after) the quote you plan to incorporate.

See this feedback comment as a downloadable document under the next section.

2.51. Not Persuasive

Authors begin the task of writing with one of two motivations: either their purpose is 1) to inform or 2) to persuade. For example, think about “inform” in the same way that you might think about the roles of a newspaper or the television news.

The writers of the urban section inform you about yesterday’s events—what happened last night, who died, and who killed who. On the other hand, the person on the television screen informs you of what happened “yesterday” but also informs you about events that will take place “today.”

The main purpose of both the newspaper writer and news reporter is not to persuade you. Everyone may persuade you in some cases by making statements along the lines of “It is going to rain, so you might want to bring an umbrella.” However, both hardly say something to the effect of “It is going to rain. Bring an umbrella.” In other words, both the reporter and the newscaster do not use directives to command your obedience.

On the other hand, when a writer constructs an argument, he or she establishes a goal to persuade the reader about a particular subject matter. This writer approaches the task with the belief that what he or she presents to you, as the reader is true as he or she sees it and that you must follow up the read with some action.

For example, a person who tells you about a party on 16^th street is just informing you about the party and its location. However, a person who tells you about the location and says, “You must go. They will have food and drinks. And you can see John,” this person is persuading you. This person is saying that if you do not go, you will miss out on something great. The effectiveness of this person’s persuasion is based upon your willingness to yield and the fact that you do yield.

The same line of thought applies to how you present the information of different authors within your paper, especially information about their claims, beliefs, and the recurring themes within the literary works. If you merely outline an author’s ideas, then you are informing the reader about what the author thinks concerning the subject matter you are exploring.

However, if you outline each author’s ideas and point out where their arguments lack credibility, then you are persuading the readers about the author and the ideas each expresses within the context of their work. In essence, you are persuading the reader when you write that Author A is missing more elements than Author B; when you persuade you also prove.

You inform the reader that Author A is missing elements by including in-text evidence within your analysis. This persuades the reader because the information is verifiable. The reader is willing to yield when he reads your assessment of Author A. In addition, when you provide the in-text evidence, the reader is willing to continue to yield.

The reader has yielded completely when he or she returns to the text, reads it, retrieves the evidence you reference within your paper, and agrees with your statement about Author A. On the other hand, when you leave out important textual evidence and fill your paper with assumptions, then you have not persuaded the reader because your paper is missing these elements. In essence, because you lack verifiable information, a reader does not yield to your point of view.

Developing a persuasive argument is no easy task because there are factors that influence how you persuade the reader. The most important method for ensuring that you develop a persuasive argument is to validate all your claims. You must “back up” whatever you believe in your paper. If you write, “The author believes all dogs are nice,” then you must include evidence of the author’s belief. The evidence you provide cannot center on this type of statement: “All dogs are nice, if they lick your face.” Nowhere in the author’s work is this belief.

Therefore, before you submit the final draft of your paper, check your assumptions. Revise any statement that does not supply textual evidence. Add a quote or another qualifying statement. Permanently remove any statement for which you cannot provide proof.

For more related information, see also the comments “1.4. An interesting idea, but it doesn’t work in every example.” under the “First Draft” tab and “2.58. Proof?” within this document.

See this feedback comment as a downloadable document under the next section.

PRACTICAL TASKS

The following feedback comments represent practical tasks for managing the revision process for multiple areas of the paper and the writing process in general.

Practical Task: Managing for Use of Supporting Evidence

This lesson module explores practical tasks for managing the revision process in first-year composition courses. It reviews feedback comments and revision considerations. The lesson focuses primarily on revising for use of supporting evidence within the second draft.

favors-writing-center-feedback-comment-2.19-practical-tasks-for-managing-use-of-supporting-evidence-october-13-2021-pdf Download

The downloadable document also includes the following feedback comments to support the idea of argument development:

2.14. Clarify

2.17. Lacks Clarity

2.20. Lacks Clear Continuity; Lacks Coherence

2.25. Lacks Organization

2.26. Lacks Supporting Evidence

These feedback comments are also specific to the second draft.

Practical Task: Logic and Articulation

favors-writing-center-feedback-comment-2.28-practical-tasks-supporting-evidence-logic-and-articulation-oct-13-2021-pdf2 Download

These feedback comments are also specific to the second draft.

Practical Task: Managing Quote Integration

favors-writing-center-feedback-comment-2.29.-practical-tasks-supporting-evidence-quote-integration-october-15-2021-pdf Download

These feedback comments are also specific to the second draft.

Practical Task: Managing Plot Summary and Analysis

favors-writing-center-feedback-comment-2.46-practical-tasks-plot-summary-and-analysis-second-draft-october-19-2021-pdf2 Download

These feedback comments are also specific to the second draft.

Practical Task: Managing Transitions

favors-writing-center-feedback-comment-2.60-practical-tasks-and-others-transitions-second-draft-october-20-2021-pdf Download

These feedback comments are specific to the second draft.

Practical Task: Affirmative Replies

favors-writing-center-feedback-comment-1.9.-practical-tasks-affirmative-replies-second-draft-october-11-2021-pdf2 Download

This practical task includes multiple feedback comments which are applicable to the second draft.

SUMMARY OF KEY LESSON POINTS

2.3. Title?: When you attach a title to your paper, you heighten the senses of your professor and other readers. As the professor reads each paragraph, he or she waits in anticipation for the confirmation of some sense of the title’s implications.
The comment “2.4. Good Opening” is an affirmative reply. It applies to those introduction paragraphs that introduce the topic by supplying the reader with credible information and historical data. These are also introductions that clearly formulate a thesis, that demonstrate to the reader a clear method by which the writer will accomplish the task.
2.7. Makes No Sense: Everything and every statement you write in a paper must connect, must correlate. Your ideas must relate and have a relation. It is not enough to make a statement without adding some support to validate the statement.
2.8. Not a Clear Distinction: A professor can always tell the difference between a student who has read the text (in its entirety), one who has only skimmed a few pages, and one who has begun reading and has stopped midway without reading all the way to the end. In essence, when you do not take the time to get a good understanding of your purpose (i.e. read the text fully in order to write the paper), you will not be able to make clear distinctions within your paper.
Professors use “2.11. Big Improvement” for one or two reasons: 1) to assess the work positively and 2) to provide an assessment that the student’s work has improved, but not significantly to warrant the highest grade.
When your professor writes “2.14. Clarify” near a section, this comment means that he cannot see through to your ideas because of the jumbled writing and confusing words. All of these issues with your paper represent a stumbling block, a hindrance for the professor. Clarify your ideas means clarify what you are trying to convey within your writing.
“2.16. Good Material” means two things: 1) you know how to analyze a source to determine its value, and 2) you know how to incorporate sources that are the right fit for a position within your essay. No one reading your essay should ask the question Why is this here?
2.18. Lacks a Clear Argument: When you lack a clear argument, the professor is not clear where you stand on the subject. After you have finished reading an assigned article for your class, immediately before you sketch the different ways the authors feel about the subject, outline your thoughts first.
When you receive the comment “2.20. Lacks Clear Continuity” or “2.20. Lacks Coherence,” your paper does not stick together. The ideas do not coordinate well. There is no correlation between your ideas and the ideas you present from others. Something prevents your professor from reading it continuously.
2.26. Lacks Supporting Evidence: When your papers lack supporting evidence, your essay becomes meaningless speculation and you waver between assumptions, digressions, and irrelevant tangents.
When a professor writes “2.28. Logic” in the margins of your papers, she wants you to think more deductively versus inductively. Sentences after the first topic sentence that actually relate to the topic sentence and represent expanded, specific statements are examples of deductive reasoning. The conclusion must follow from the premises. What you say after the first topic sentence—and in some cases an extended topic sentence—must correspond to the topic sentence in sense and meaning.
The comment “2.39. Incomplete” may refer to two issues within your paper: 1) reference to the pattern of a sentence, and/or 2) reference to the need for more analysis within either a certain passage or the whole paper.
2.52. Not Sure What You Mean Here: The best way to correct areas of your paper that require more meaning is to continue to define terms, relationships, characters, and contexts. Define how a term links relationships between characters. If you are using the term to connect characters, then provide context for the term.

About the Author

Regina Y. Favors has served as a college English instructor for a community college, teaching first-year composition. Regina has both a B.A. and M.A. in English from San Diego State University. Regina’s current activities focus on developing a digital learning platform for first-year composition studies.

About Favors Writing Center

Favors Writing Center is an online resource for first-year composition instructors and students engaged in the revision planning process. Favors Writing Center is a product of Favors Learning Center Online Products, a product of Favors Learning Center, which is in development.

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